Saturday 10 January 2009

Letting Go

My sleep patterns for the last 72 hours have been 14 hours a night and no more than 6 hours of wakefulness before I crash again. I'm posting this just before I cook lunch and take my medication, so if it kicks off and knocks me out again, you'll have this news to think about.

My lungs were playing chords again in the night, and the sounds reminded me of the the synthesiser noises in the background of this song.



On Thursday afternoon, I stayed alert and had a great discussion with my Local Wise Woman about all the blocked-up, accumulated, unresolved emotions - all the things I need to get off my chest, you see?

Most of these are very, very old, and a lot of them are about birth trauma. That makes sense of all the distress I experience when I'm coughing, and the conviction I have that something is trying to force me out against my will. Because, once upon a time, that's exactly what did happen.

I posted way back about a demon that left my soul. Well, I underestimated the multitude of horrors I've been carrying around. This is illness is turning into a major letting go for me.



When the room is quiet
The daylight almost gone
It seems there's something
I should know

Well I ought to leave
But the rain it never stops
And I've no particular place to go

Just when I think I'm winning
When I've broken every door
The ghosts of my life
Blow wilder than before
Just when I thought
I could not be stopped
When my chance came to be king
The ghosts of my life
Blew wilder than the wind

Well I'm feeling nervous
Now I find myself alone
The simple life's no longer there
Once I was so sure
Now the doubt inside my mind
Comes and goes but leads nowhere

Just when I think I'm winning
When I've broken every door
The ghosts of my life
Blow wilder than before

Just when I thought
I could not be stopped
When my chance came to be king
The ghosts of my life
Blew wilder than the wind
JAPAN

2 comments:

Mel said...

Ah. Well, I'm a firm believer that we get our awakenings as we're suppose to.....when we're ready to handle them and do with them what needs done....even if we're thinkin' we're not really ready TO handle 'em and deal with 'em.

Letting go is a good thing. But it's a process for me--not a one time shot.
k....that's mostly cuz I have a tendency to let go, grab back, let go, grab back, let go, grab back--yeah, yeah....You get the idea....

Feel better, dangit!

Gordie said...

You're just making yourself sound more dangerous, and more attractive. You do make sense.