Monday, 31 March 2008

Superheroes and Lingerie

We all know nowadays that a woman can do everything a man can, but when she's out on the mean streets of New York City, saving lives and bringing villains to justice, a woman needs to feel confident and comfortable. That's right: even more than the men, today's female superheroes need really good knickers.

And since they don't have that oddball pants-worn-on-the-outside trend that the boys have, that means comfortable active wear lingerie, that adapts and stretches, and doesn't bite, cut or rub, even when you're leaping a tall building or lifting a locomotive off a small child. Or hurting men.

Diana Lance, a.k.a. the Black Canary, is a member of the Justice League of America, and, I must say, always very well turned out. Recently, she married fellow super-hero Green Arrow. So DC Comics have taken the trouble to raise awareness of the feminine side of being a superhero by publishing the Black Canary Wedding Planner, in which all the ladies of the Justice League of America go on a hen party together, and sashay down to Rigby and Peller to choose some really nice outfits.

I'm linking to the pictures courtesy of Robyn at "Girls Read Comics And They're Pissed" who thought that the girls' musculature wasn't well developed (I agree with that; I like to see a bit of bicep on a girl, and so does Heidi the Chickenlady) and the whole scene was a little bit stylised and homoerotic, and aimed at 14 year old boys.

Well, maybe it was, but Batman and Robin always seemed pretty homoerotic to me, too. I hope that some of the readers managed to pick up some present buying tips for later life.

Saturday, 29 March 2008

When A Man Hasn't Been Kissed

When I haven't been kissed in a long time,
I walk behind well-dressed women
on cold, December mornings and shovel
the steamy exhalations pluming from their lips
down my throat with both hands, hoping
a single molecule will cling to my lungs.

When I haven't been kissed in a long time,
I sneak into the ladies room of a fancy restaurant,
dig into the trashcan for a napkin
where a woman checked her lipstick,
then go home, light candles, put on Barry White,
and press the napkin all over my body.

When I haven't been kissed in a long time,
I start thinking leeches are the most romantic
creatures, cause all they want to do is kiss.
If only someone invented a kinder, gentler leech,
I'd paint it bright pink and pretend
Winona Ryder's lips crawled off her face,
up my thigh, and were sucking on my swollen

bicep. When I haven't been kissed
in a long time, I create civil disturbances,
then insult the cops who show up,
till one of them grabs me by the collar
and hurls me up against the squad car,
so I can remember, at least for a moment,
what it's like to be touched.

Jeffrey McDaniel

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

God Hates Babies

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." Psalm 137:9

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Daddy's Girlfriend

When I was very little my mother used to point at the television whenever this actress came on and go "Look! Look! Daddy's girlfriend!"

I had only a vague idea of what girlfriends were, but I decided that my mum was saying that before he met her, my dad had been going out with Eva Gabor. This made me think my dad must have been extremely cool.

I wondered why they weren't still together. In those days, I didn't understand how relationships ended (or even, I suppose, that they could...) I was only five at the time, and my dad was really, really old. I didn't understand about mistresses, either, but I thought it was better not to ask my mum too many questions.

The existential implications of having a different mother didn't even cross my mind.

Sunday, 23 March 2008

Happy Easter!

Today is Easter Day, when Christians celebrate the death of Jesus and his triumphant resurrection in the form of a chocolate bunny rabbit. Why a bunny rabbit, you may ask? And why the fascination with eggs? Well, like many of the good bits of Christianity, Easter is a pagan festival that was re-appropriated and rebranded to help spread the good word.

Bunny rabbits are important, because they shag all the time (they do it like rabbits, in fact) and shagging is a powerful symbol of optimism and hope. It cheers you up when you feel miserable, helps get to rid of your hangover, and it can be even be used for making babies.

According to the Venerable Bede, the name of Easter comes from Eostre, an Anglo-Saxon goddess whose festival was celebrated at the time of the Spring Equinox. Eostre was the goddess of the dawn, and the word 'East' comes from her name. She probably also had something to do with the word 'oestrogen'.

So: it's Easter, and we can expect to find horny women demanding sex and chocolate. Hurray!

Saturday, 22 March 2008

Easter: A Health Warning

As Christians around the world prepare to celebrate Easter, the government of the Philippines has warned the faithful of the possible health risks of overly vigorous religious observance. The Department of Health (DOH) has strongly advised penitents to check on the condition of their whip before they lash their backs with it this Holy Week.

The Philippines is a Catholic country and in some towns the Passion is re-enacted by self-flagellation and crucifixion. The department warned that dirty whips could lead to tetanus and other infections. Health Secretary Francisco Duque 3rd said that since it is hard to discourage flagellants from whipping their own flesh, the best penitents can do is ensure that their whips are well-maintained.

In San Fernando City, Pampanga, some 23 penitents, two of them women, have signed up to reenact Christ’s crucifixion in three separate improvised Golgothas in the city. Four penitents were scheduled to have themselves nailed on the cross.

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

Black and Gold

The fish swam out of the ocean
And grew legs and they started walking
And the apes climbed down from the trees
And grew tall and they started talking

And the stars fell out of the sky
And my tears rolled into the ocean
Now I'm looking for a reason why
You even set my world into motion

'Cause if you're not really here
Then the stars don't even matter
Now I'm filled to the top with fear
Because it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
Then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to you
Black and Gold
Black and Gold
Black and Gold

I look up into the grey sky
And see a thousand eyes staring back
And all around these golden beacons
I see nothing but black

I feel a way of something beyond them
I don't see what i can feel
If vision is the only validation
Then most of my life isn't real

'Cause if you're not really here
Then the stars don't even matter
Now I'm filled to the top with fear
Because it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
Then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to you
Black and Gold
Black and Gold
Black and Gold

Sam Sparro


I do apologise for being missing for a bit.
How has your day been?

St Patrick's Day

I had something to do. Something big and important. I said to myself... "I'll have it all sorted out by St. Patrick's Day". Don't know why. It was a random thing to say. But the heart has its reasons.
Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Have i sorted it out? Not quite.

But I think by lunchtime, I will have.