Happiness

Happiness is much more exhausting than unhappiness.

I do hope this is some sort of phase I'm going through.
I won't like it if it lasts forever.

Update: I should point out that this post is not connected
to the one immediately preceding it.

My John the Baptist Years

I used to be a corporate whore, and I stayed in nice hotels, and ate in nice restaurants.... but it didn't satisfy me. I had sexy girlfriends, who thought I was funny... but didn't understand me, and that left an empty space I needed to nourish.

They were my John the Baptist years, my wandering in the desert years.

I set up Hot Vimto as a vehicle to reconnect to my creative inner child through reminiscence, smut, and rock and roll, but I have had to accept that I can't even describe myself on my own terms! At least, not to my satisfaction. I have been pretty messed up over the course of my life, and the most important thing has been re-connecting with my integrity.

*Waves*

The Seven Ages of Gordie - #1

My Age:

What Happened:







How I Coped:

0

I was born, prematurely, into a place where a lot of people were trying to hurt my mother. Then my mother was sent away, and I was put into a box and looked after by people who communicated with me by pinching my feet.

Decided I had got off the wrong station,
and was probably from another planet.
Adopted policy of stubborn refusal.
Said 'NO' to everything.

Song For My Mother

I think I'm old enough now to say these words and mean them. (And I didn't boil over, and it's now the weekend.)

Stop apologising
For the things you`ve never done,
Because time is short
and life is cruel.
But it`s up to us to change.

("Dance, you little twat")

In The Repository of Dangerous Things

I'm simmering today...



I may boil over before the weekend.
I hope not.



The Repository of Dangerous Things is a defunct webcomic by Amanda Hardy. If you like the look of it, please click through.

(click to enlarge)


I am easily distracted, and I want to believe oversimplified advice from people I probably shouldn't trust.



I wonder... how would I do with Janet?

Aw, what the heck. Maybe I should lose all interest in self-control for a wee while. After all, what good did it ever do me, apart from keeping me out of prison, and saving innocent lives?

Gordie is Dark

The Dresden Dolls

Amanda Palmer sings and plays piano in a band called The Dresden Dolls. Sometimes I dream about having an intense, passionate, sexual relationship with Amanda, from which I am eventually rescued by Sia Furler.

This video will explain everything.



I also fantasise that Brian, the drummer, is the actor who plays Brian, the dog, in Family Guy. But I know that it's only a cartoon, and besides, a dog would never wear that much makeup.

Rendered Speechless

I've been working on a project for a client for a couple of months now. And there's one person where I work who has been doing things that ... make me nervous. That's the diplomatic way of saying it.

This person is supposed to manage me, and approve my work. And they asked me to help them do things that would undermine their boss and potentially cause some quite serious problems for the company. I had a dilemma. So I figured, I needed to talk to other people at the company and get a broader picture of what's going on.

Am I dealing with fraud, or somebody who is out of their depth and needs help?

I arranged a meeting with someone very senior. It got cancelled. I was asked to submit a written report. I submitted the report.

Since when... silence. I have heard on the grapevine, that my doubts were well founded. They were just waiting until they had enough evidence...

But that's not why I'm sharing this with you all. What bothers me is, that over the last three or four weeks, I've been rendered speechless. I've felt emotionally and verbally constipated.

I have lost my voice. Not just on that project, but in lots of areas of my life. I have three or four half written posts that I never finished and posted here.

Once I submitted my report, I felt relief and having told the truth, politely and diplomatically, and I let go. But I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.

I Hate (being) My Boss

I hate my boss.

Actually, let me put that more honestly. I am my boss. I hate being my own boss. I'm in charge. How ungrateful am I?

I just found a post on a discussion forum that puts it better than I could:

I'm more productive than I was a year ago, but there's kind of a blind spot that maybe other folks here don't have.

I've noticed the biggest bottleneck stopping me from efficiently accomplishing the tasks I've set up for myself is just my mood. I'll have a clear definition of what needs to be done, full confidence in where I'm going with things, and I'll sit down and just think "aw, damn, I feel like shit." Then I'll generally waste time until it's 1am and I need to sleep. This happens 1-2 nights a week.

How do you guys deal with emotional problems?

How do you avoid ruminating on things in your day that have pissed you off? This is my biggest issue.

St Patrick's Day

I had something to do. Something big and important. I said to myself... "I'll have it all sorted out by St. Patrick's Day". Don't know why. It was a random thing to say. But the heart has its reasons.

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Have i sorted it out? Not quite.

But I think by lunchtime, I will have.