Cheese and Crackers

"It says here that my son was cavorting on a beach in Ibiza with someone called Helena Christensen . . . Why is that in the newspaper?"

"She's a well-known supermodel, William."

"Oh really . . . so it's a good thing?"

This is, apparently, a true story from the life of William O'Malley Armstrong, whose son is Rollo (of Faithless) and whose daughter is Dido. (What would we do for embarrassment, eh. if we didn't have parents?)

Helena is pretty hot, and you know what turns her on?

"Whenever my head is like a maze, I turn to the easy things in life, the things that mean the most to me: Sex and cheese. These things are connected.

"There've been times when I've bought a whole pound of cheese and walked down the street and eaten it in one go... I think it's incredibly sensual."

"Actually I've seriously thought about getting a cheese tattoo. A nice Edam on my shoulder, maybe."

Once again, I find myself going for the mad chick. This is, after all,

a woman who dated Michael Hutchence and Heath Ledger. Do I really want to join that club? Would I ever be able to satisfy this woman, except at great cost to myself?

Except maybe she's onto something. Cheese is sex. Maybe cheese is the new drug of choice for the guys who want to get the girl.

Anybody got any cheese porn I can borrow?