Lonely At The Top

Verne Troyer. He makes Terry Christian look sophisticated.

"There is nothing worse for a girl than being with a boy who doesn't know what he is doing in the bedroom.

"But I know exactly how to make a woman feel like a woman. I know the spot, and I've got plenty of inches where it matters. I know what women want and it's me."

Verne Troyer, interviewed in Daily India

I've been around the world
Had my pick of any girl
You'd think I'd be happy
But I'm not
Ev'rybody knows my name
But it's just a crazy game
Oh, it's lonely at the top

Listen to the band, they're playing
Just for me
Listen to the people paying
Just for me
All the applause-all the parades
And all the money I have made
Oh, it's lonely at the top

Listen all you fools out there
Go on and love me
I don't care
Oh, it's lonely at the top
Oh, it's lonely at the top
Words and Music by RANDY NEWMAN

Date It, Fuck It, Kill It, Cook It, Eat It

I like my food, but have never been a 'foodie', or even much of a gourmet. Simple, tasty, nourishing dishes, in ample quantities, with beer and wine, and an extra portion of chips, is what works for me.

The only TV chef I ever liked was Keith Floyd, because he was usually drunk and charming, and would quote Bob Dylan lyrics. He once managed to fit an entire verse of Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues into a recipe.

He was also responsible for Kiwi Fruit and the Stranglers, two elements of Eighties culture without which life under Mrs. Thatcher would have been even harder to bear.



But times change, and now we have now we have to be entertained by gastric gnomes like Anthony Worral Thompson, Giles Coren (the humourless son of a humorist), and Jamie Oliver, whose tongue seems too large for his mouth and capable of vasodilation, which may explain why a) he talks in that lisping fake Cockney accent of his and b) he has managed to marry quite an attractive woman. Jamie is currently annoying the population of Rotherham.

But it gets worse.

Thirty miles up the M1 from Rotherham, the top match on Google for "seasoned and fried" is now the murder trial of Anthony Morley of Leeds, who went on a date with Damian Oldfield, after which he took him home, had sex with him, cut his throat, stabbed him repeatedly, then carved a piece of flesh from his thigh, seasoned it with fresh herbs and fried it in olive oil.

Morley then walked to his local takeaway kebab shop, wearing a bloodstained dressing gown and flip-flops, and told staff: "I have killed someone, call the police."



Isn't this just typical? One minute he's all pretentious and showing off, with his olive oil and herbs, like he thinks he's Paul bloody Newman or someone, then as soon as he's got what he wants, he's off down the kebab shop in a dirty dressing gown! Mr Morley, I'm afraid, is a cannibal bulimic and a junk food junkie, and very much in the closet about all of it.

I think Mr. Morley hasn't exactly been honest about his sexuality either, come to think of it. In 1993, he won a beauty contest as Mr. Gay UK. According to a contemporary report, to win the title he had to beat off stiff competition in front of a nightclub audience in Blackpool. (Oo-err, missus) I'm not sure I could have managed that.

Then, he was the "gay scene's best known and talked about lad" who listed as his hobbies "pleasing other people". Now he says he's never been happy being gay, and claims the other man raped him. Sad, if it's true, but still no reason to kill your date and eat them.

Paris Hilton Enters Race For President

Last week John McCain put out an attack ad comparing Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Now, Hilton has put out a spoof video hitting back at McCain, the "oldest celebrity in the world" and a wrinkly, white haired dude, and declaring herself "totally hot" and "ready to lead".

Paris Hilton shows off her presidential credentials.
You can see more funny videos at Funny or Die

I think it's no more than McCain deserved. His team tried to portray Obama as superficial and inexperienced (he could have just said: young and popular, but that would have been too kind) and got bitten in the backside by a real celebrity. (Some men would pay good money for that experience...) I think Paris is not as dumb as she's made out to be in the media, and certainly knows how to milk a crowd.

So: what about Obama's riposte, that McCain was attacking Obama because the Republicans have no positive message, and are trying to scare the voters?

"They're gonna try to say that I'm a risky guy. They're gonna try to say, well, you know, he's got a funny name. And he doesn't look like all the presidents on the dollar bills and the five dollar bills."

McCain's people didn't like that one bit. Campaign chief Rick Davis said that "Barack Obama has played the race card, and he played it from the bottom of the deck." Really? Let's go to Union Missouri, and replay the video of Barack's bottom of the deck moment, courtesy of a local reporter. It comes after 19 minutes, so you can press fast forward, as Jay-Z says.

I didn't see any racial tension being stirred up there. I saw a black man telling a joke, and a crowd of white people laughing. Because it was funny. And true.

Britney Spears has a funny name, and she doesn't look like the presidents on the dollar bills and the five dollar bills.