Monday, 1 June 2009

It Wasn't What I Thought

In the end, I decided it was OK for me not to write until I felt ready. In the meantime, I listened to my body and I took its advice.

My friend’s trial gave me a pain in the stomach, a griping in my guts, but it wasn't what I thought. I don't mean that quite the way it sounds. I'm talking about:


Did you know there are as many neurological transmitters in the human abdomen as there are in the human head? I found this out from Michael Gershon's 'The Second Brain'. Your head doesn't run the whole show. Your belly is responsible for an awful lot of what you are, and your gut instinct really is just that.

The last few weeks I've been letting my belly unravel and settle itself down, and when I say that it wasn't what I thought, I mean that I’ve learned a lot about how what goes on in my head hasn't really been the main event.

When I was young, and a lot less powerful than I am today, I kept myself safe. I held myself still. I was trying my best to learn how to be a man, in a setting where there was deception, cruelty, guilt and shame. I held on to my integrity. I stored my true self myself somewhere in my belly, along with all the things I knew and could not express, couldn't talk to, everything I didn't have permission to talk about. And I stored all the decodes, the passwords for unlocking it all.

My goodness: it has taken me some time to be able to unlock it. The time has come.


Mel said...

In its own time, its own way. There's more than one way to get to where you wanna be, eh?

Nobe said...

as they say, there is time for everything. :)


liontigerelephantbear said...

I bet you kept the passwords in a Safe Place, didn't you? I stopped hiding my passwords because I realised that most people are too busy trying to remember their own to bother stealing mine, even if you leave them in plain view. They wouldn't know what to do with them anyway.

The passwords for my ISA are right here, on my desk.

Are they worth much, i wonder...?