Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity. Tao te Ching
Term's about to start again. Students are preparing for nights of drinking and partying, and occasional trips to the library; and I'm chained to the laptop for the seventh week in a row, doing my best to finish the world's longest PhD thesis. Ho hum.
It was different when I was seventeen, and on my way to interviews. I took the train from Preston down to Birmingham, feeling so nervous that I went and hid in the toilet, and sang 'Astral Weeks' to myself.
"If I venture in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dream Where the immobile steel rims crack And the ditch and the back road stop....
... to be born again." VAN MORRISON
I can't remember much about the day, apart from the escalators at New Street station, a very nice book shop,and the length of the lecturer's moustache, like Anthony Sher in The History Man.
We talked about evolution, and religion, and I'm not sure what else. My father had been dead for not quite a year, and I was ready to make a new start.
I know... it's January. New Year's Res and all that.
Destiny
Who does he think he is?
Christina bloody Aguilera?
don't make me larf...
Just want to be rich and famous and happy and a bit less of a muppet in 2009. And strong, powerful , loving and good.
Not into feeling ill, bored / boring, or useless.
I lie awake I've gone to ground I'm watching porn In my hotel dressing gown Now I dream of you But I still believe There's only enough for one In this lonely hotel suite
The journey's long And it feels so bad I'm thinking back to the last day we had. Old moon fades into the new Soon I know I'll be back with you I'm nearly with you I'm nearly with you
When I'm weak ... I draw strength from you And when you're lost ... I know how To change your mood And when I'm down ... You breathe life over me Even though we're miles apart We are each other's destiny
On a clear day I'll fly home to you I'm bending time getting back to you Old moon fades into the new Soon I know I'll be back with you I'm nearly with you I'm nearly with you
When I'm weak I draw strength from you And when you're lost I know how to change your mood And when I'm down You breathe life over me Even though we're miles apart We are each other's destiny
The days are gone when I really needed this advice, and they won't me coming back. But it's a good, gritty song for an autumn Sunday afternoon.
I'm as blue I'm as blue as the ocean is true It's just reflections of the sky I'm as cold I'm as cold as the stories you told But never sick enough to die
Note to self: don't change for anyone Note to self: don't die Note to self: don't change for anyone Don't change... just lie
I'm as sick I'm as crass as the things in your past, You wished that you could let them go Caged birds Caged animals starving for class In your house when you're alone
Note to self: don't change for anyone Note to self: don't die Note to self: don't change for anyone Don't change... just lie
Who do you call when you're alone Nobody, baby Who do you want to be, Figure out and just let me know
I am an underachiever. I'm not being myself. I'm not in my flow.
The darkness drops again; But now I know That twenty centuries of stony sleep Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? W.B. Yates - The Second Coming
It's been a long time since I hated myself. It's been a long time since I hated my life. I may be vulnerable to depression But I've stopped feeling sad; I've stopped feeling afraid.
The family of demons that took up residence in me, and shaped my life and ensured I survived, have quit their lodgings, and I know they left the place untidy, but they won't be coming back.
Am I happy?
Yes... But
I'm living my days in a spirit of pure avoidance and distraction I will not be myself.
I stubbornly refuse it.
This must be what got me through my childhood.
"I am going to be a hero. Just not today."
I fancy a big house Some kids and a horse I can not quite, but nearly Guarantee a divorce I think that I love you I think that I do So go on Mister, Make Miss Me Mrs You
I love you, I love you, I love you , Honest I do I only make jokes to distract myself From the truth.
I fancy a fast car A bag full of loot I can nearly guarantee you'll end up with the boot
I love you, I love you, I love you , Honest I do I only make jokes to distract myself From the truth. Sia Furler
I am easily distracted, and I want to believe oversimplified advice from people I probably shouldn't trust.
I wonder... how would I do with Janet?
Aw, what the heck. Maybe I should lose all interest in self-control for a wee while. After all, what good did it ever do me, apart from keeping me out of prison, and saving innocent lives?
